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How do you know? How do you know that love is enough to keep something alive? How do you know that you’re in love with someone? How did I know I loved you? Maybe it was the sparkle in your eye. Seeing your face light up. Knowing what you’re thinking before you even say it out loud.
We were lovers before we were friends. We tried our hand at being friends and eventually I lost her. To someone else. The girl is the epitome of the persona I want to be. Nice, caring, completely unselfish.
For a while a long while I try to stay away from you. For my benefit and yours. I can’t do that. Something in me just draws me back to you. No matter what bad has come between us I’m always drawn to you. It’s baffling. I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on it. Even when both of us were with someone else, we would still pass each other and glance. That look we so often gave each other was a look that we knew all too well. The look of pure, primal lust. The look of longing for the other, because it’s been too long since we’ve touched or talked. The look of “I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but I still do and I can’t help it.” The look of “do I even want to help it.”
She’s been teasing me all week. The first afternoon I’ve really talked to her in months. I haven’t been able to hold any sort of conversation with her other than “Please leave me alone I can’t do this anymore.” Only because I knew when it came to her I was weak. I am weak. She makes me weak. The looks, the way her tongue moves when she talks, the sweet things she does for me, going out of her way…she makes me weak. Back to the afternoon. I put it out there that we should catch up. I knew once I said it that that was it. I was already hers. She knew too, but couldn’t admit to me or even herself I’m sure. I told her to meet me after I got out of class. She picked where. I waited where she told me. When I saw her, I knew that was it. I knew that no matter what, no matter who was involved or going to get hurt from it I needed her. She half-smiled when she saw me not entirely sure what to really do. I could read her just like she could do me. We knew each other too well. She was excited, but who could blame her? So was I. I stand and I half hug her being awkward. She held out her hand.
“I brought you some candy from my mom’s office. I know how you love your candy.”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to.” I said shyly. But I knew even though I was trying to be shy my face lit up. She had to have noticed she always does. We walked in silence for a moment and then came the small talk. How are yous and how’s school going even though it was syllabus week. It was always enough for us just to be around each other. We took the long way and cut through the grass. Walking by a room with an open window we heard some moaning. In my head I’m thinking lucky them. It has been so long. She was the last person I was with. And we stopped talking after that for a while. Her voice was so beautiful when she was excited. “Did you hear that?!”
“Yeah.” She goes back to listen. “Chels stop you’re being nosey.” She starts walking again.”Maybe it was a porn.” I just laugh and say maybe. I try to hide my thoughts even though I know she can read me like a book. I didn’t have to say anything for her to know what I was thinking. I slide my card to open the door for her. She walks in first and the door hits me. “I’m sorry I should’ve held it for you I didn’t think. Are you okay?” Meanwhile, I’m dying laughing, trying to brush off that it actually hurt a little.
“Yeah I’m fine it’s okay really,” I say jokingly. She touches my arm where the door hit.
“Are you sure?” “Yeah I’m okay. Thank you.” I smile.
I think “Fuck she touched me and it sent shivers down my spine and it was only a light touch.” She does that to me though.
She could just look at me and I melt. It’s horrible. She’s not even mine anymore. She’s someone else’s I shouldn’t even be thinking like this so I try and stop. I unlock my door and open it and check to see if my roommate is there. She isn’t. Surprising because she’s always in here. We sit on my bed and I apologize for the mess because I haven’t unpacked yet. She doesn’t mind she knows how I am. I kinda shift stuff around while she’s sitting on my bed. I decide to leave it and I turn and just look at her. She’s beautiful. Not your usual beautiful though. Not supermodel, hair down beautiful. Just simply beautiful. She’s kinda like a tomboy. Nike hat, hair up in a ponytail, athletic clothes. Looks like she’s ready to go to the gym. But she’s beautiful.
Her eyes are my favorite. Like they peek into my soul. Her freckles, how she always looks so soft. I’ve been staring for too long. I join her on the opposite side of my bed. We sit semi far away from each other simply, because we know that if we don’t we’ll be tempted. Our self-control combined is honestly slim to none. Sad but true. Especially when it comes to each other. We talk about how things have been lately. Our break from school. New jobs. Just catching up. Something we bahis firmaları try not to do. It’s not, because we don’t care. It’s just we know ourselves too well and decide it’s better to not do it. Keep temptation away. We’ve been bad for each other hopefully it’s changed. We know a lot more now about each other and about ourselves.
When we broke up, I was in a really bad place. Drinking everyday, in class, everywhere. I got kicked off the dance team, because of drinking. I would stop doing my work. I would go out every weekend and get so fucked up to point I was just mad and I would lash out at everyone. I just let it consume me. But drinking was the only way I could numb the pain. I was so hurt, but we had been bad for a long time. Arguing all the time about dumb shit that could’ve easily been avoided. I don’t know why I still don’t know why we did that to each other. I loved her. And I didn’t want to lose her even though I already had. I saw it coming long before it happened but that didn’t make it hurt any less. It still hurts which is why I try not to “catch up.” It puts a strain on both of us and puts us both in a bad situation.
She snapped me out of my thoughts again. “I’m not gonna lie. I miss you ash.” I instantly want to cry. These words hit me like a ton of bricks. I never expect them when she says it.
“I miss you too chels.”
“I really do. I still have feelings for you.” Fuck. I just look at her. She starts talking again. “You don’t have feelings for me? I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.”
I just look at her dumbstruck, not knowing what to say. Trying to think of my words before I answer. She looks a little upset now. “Not even a little?” I still just look at her all dumb like I’m a deer in headlights.
“Fuck Chelsey I do.” The words hurt me to even say. Mainly because I haven’t admitted them to anyone. My best friends. Her. Or even myself. Until now. I try to shake the feeling, but I can’t. I try to tell myself I don’t and that her being with someone else doesn’t kill me. Somehow thinking of her with someone else and thinking that she’s not even thinking of me makes it easier. But she just flat out told me the opposite.
I look down because I can’t bear to look at her face right now. Not because I don’t want to but because I know I’ll want to kiss her. Every time we have an intense moment like this I want to. Every time we put something out there that we shouldn’t I want to. The urge is killing me and I see her bite her lip and I almost lose it. Here’s the part I hate. The thinking if there weren’t other people involved we could do this and not hurt anyone. Except ourselves in the end. But of course it’s never that easy. There’s always something that’s in the way. And we always have to make that tough decision.
“I think about that too.” It’s like she can read my mind and she automatically knows I’m thinking about sex. Our sex together is just simply everything. We know all of each other’s spots and exactly how to get to them. We drive each other crazy.
Our first time together was just so amazing. I didn’t cum and I didn’t pleasure her but that wasn’t the point. We had held off for so long and we just couldn’t wait anymore. We were in my bed kissing and moaning. And she just pulls away and looks at me. She wants to. She’s been wanting to. But the moment is finally here where we are actually going to do it. “Are you sure?” I was breathing so hard I could barely speak. I shook my head and managed to get out an extremely soft and raspy “Yes.” We starting kissing each other like it was the last thing on earth that would save us. She goes down to my neck and I almost cum right there. No one has EVER been able to kiss my neck like she does and actually get a reaction out of me. But she did. I moaned and said a few “Ah that feels so good.” I don’t know what turned me on more that she could do it or that it was just because it was her doing it. She got me out of my clothes kissing me everywhere and just stopped and looked at me.
I thought something was wrong. Shaved? Check. Lotion? Check. What could be wrong? She said, “You’re so beautiful.” I melted against her and kissed her soft pink lips.
I pulled back and whispered, “I want you.” I did though I really did. She rubbed on my pussy lips and eventually found my clit. I was shaking and It didn’t help that I was so nervous. It felt so good. When she slid her finger inside me it felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. She went it in and I took in a lot of breath. I heard her say “Ah baby you’re so tight.” She hurriedly asked me if I was okay and I furtively nodded my head while biting my lip. It felt so good I could barely contain myself.
I snap myself out of lala land. I had it bad. She looks at the time on her phone. “Do you have to leave?” I ask.
“No not yet I don’t want to leave yet.” I check and it had almost been an hour.
“I left work to come talk to you.” She says. I think about her girlfriend and how she’ll wonder where she had been for an hour. She stood up and I kaçak iddaa sit up on my knees to wrap my arms around her. I get lost in the hug. The smell of her is enough to make my pussy tingle.
“You have a package at the post office.”
“Well I’ll just leave with you now to get it.” I was excited my new glasses had finally came in and my optometrist’s receptionist didn’t even tell me they were in.
“It won’t look good if we leave together.” She does have a point.
“Well I’ll go get food from the caf and I’ll text you when I’m on my way down there. But I think it should be fine if we walk together.” She nods in agreement.
I send the text a few minutes later saying, “I’m on my way,” after we go our separate ways. She’s standing behind the counter with my box. She looks at all the boxes of food I’m carrying.
“Are you sure you’re going to be able to carry all of that? How about I bring you your glasses later?”
“Really? Thank you so much.” I said with a smile.
Later that afternoon, she told me she had my package. So I get up to go downstairs to let her in.
“I can’t stay long but here you go.” She hands me a bag and I can see my glasses box, but there was also deodorant and a package of my favorites cookies from Subway. I had mentioned earlier that I forgot to bring my deodorant from home and needed to go to the store. I start to smile. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know it doesn’t even come close to making up for what I did to you. But you said you needed deodorant and I just remembered you liked these.” I smiled again as she said this. She had always done little things like this for me and I never noticed how sweet they were until they stopped.
I keep going back to all the bad that’s happened with us. Then I always start to think about the good. The things that made us laugh and smile. The way we looked at each other. How we always wanted to be around each other.
I decided to call her. I wanted to convince her of how much I wanted her. We had done it before. Each time I felt horrible. But during and before I felt like it was exactly what we needed. After our phone call, she had decided to come over. “Don’t act like that.” She said.
“Act like what?” I questioned.
“Like you’re not trying to fill a void with him.” I gulped. Took in what she was saying. Her face was centimeters away from mine. I had been talking to this guy for a while. Doing exactly what she said. Trying to fill the void. Trying to get her out of my head. Being with a guy was what I needed to do. What was good for me. What everyone wanted and expected from me. But I missed her. I wanted her. I never stopped.
“What makes you think that?”
“Because that’s what I’m doing with her.”
The words made my heart sink. Not because I felt bad in that moment but because I knew she was right. As much as I hated to admit it. We were.
“Stop being so scared.”
“I’m not scared. We just shouldn’t.” The intensity was too much. Her lips were almost touching mine. My heart was beating out of my chest. I didn’t know what to do.
“Make the first move then.”
I wanted to. I wanted it. I wanted her more than I ever wanted anyone in my life. I grabbed her face and I kissed her. All of the problems we had ever had was gone in that kiss. We didn’t stop kissing. Our lips never stopped touching. It was intense. Intimate. Like always. With each kiss, I felt my insides turning. I felt myself getting more and more wet each time our lips touched.
I snapped back to the present as I dialed her phone number.
“Hello?” She answered.
“Why are you whispering?”
“Vanessa is in the shower.”
“This was a bad idea. Chels, I can call you back.”
“No I want to talk to you.”
“I miss you.”
“You don’t miss me?”
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“What about me?”
“Fucking you, making love to you, seeing you cum, making you cum.”
She sighed and practically moaned, “Ash.”
“I love it when you say my name.”
“What are you doing? You’re breathing heavy.”
“Just thinking. I wish you were here touching me.”
“Are you touching yourself?” I didn’t answer, she continued. “Fuck. Don’t do this, she’ll be out soon.”
“I know you love hearing me cum for you.”
She sighed. “All the time.”
“I want you.”
“Ahh baby..you already know.”
“I always want you. It’s always better with you.”
“You mean better than with Vanessa?”
“I mean better than anyone I’ve been with.”
“What’s so special about it with me?”
“We’re nasty. Not afraid to try new things. Because we still have feelings for each other.”
Her breathing was so heavy at this point. And I was whimpering a little thinking about how wet I was making her. I couldn’t tell if it was kaçak bahis from the conversation we were having while her girlfriend was in the shower or if it was because she wanted me. My words broke through my thoughts. “Are you wet?” I heard her let out a huge breath again as I asked. I already knew.
“Yes.” I let out a huge sigh.
“I want to taste you.”
Her breathing sped up. I didn’t stop talking. “I want to slide my hand down your panties and feel how wet you are for me right now.”
“I want that and so much more.”
“What do you want?”
“You. Your body pressed against mine. To make you cum. I want you to fuck me.”
My heart was practically beating out of my chest. “Come here.”
I hear a pause. Then I hear her beautiful voice again. The breathing vanished though. “I’ll call you back. The shower cut off. I want you so bad but I have to go.”
There’s this cat and mouse game we play. We fight. We make up. We realize how much we care about each other. Become too involved with the other. Then we break it off. We argue so much and it’s so bad it gets to the point we don’t talk anymore. Then out of nowhere after barely a month of not talking. After I blocked her number, and trying my hardest not to think about her..I get a message from her iCloud.
I get a text:
Can we at least talk…
I need to talk to you though. I know I’ve been more than an ass, but it was only because V did not want us to interact at all, so I did all I could to push you away which was dumb on my part because I know now I can’t distance myself from you…I’m wrong either way but it’s the truth.
I open the message and my heart sunk. I started to sweat. I called my friend to get it off my mind. I go back and forth in my head whether I should answer or not. I know if I do the only thing that will happen is I will get hurt all over again. But I do miss her.
Questions started to flood my mind. What does she mean she can’t distance herself from me? What made her realize that now? Does Vanessa know? She has to know. Especially if she doesn’t want us to interact at all.
I picked up my phone and dialed the number I knew by heart. My heart was practically beating out of my chest. Her voice answers me after the 2nd ring. “Hey Ash..” Just the sound of her voice makes me melt.
I managed to get out a “Hi.” “I called you four times last night. I kept thinking about you. I figured you didn’t want to talk to me after what I did. I don’t blame you. I should’ve just told you the real reason instead of being an ass.” I feel like crying.
“Chelsey why do you keep doing this to me?”
“I know. I’m selfish. But Ash I can’t deny my feelings for you. I can’t lie and say I don’t think about you. All the time.”
“…Chelsey, please don’t.”
“I want to see you. I want to know how you’re doing.”
“I’m coming back tomorrow morning.”
“Maybe we can get lunch and catch up.”
“Okay…I-I’d like that.”
We talked again later that night. All night. We didn’t get off the phone until 3 that next morning. We laughed. We joked. We talked about everything. How we missed each other’s touch. How we missed just being around the other. The way we have sex. Everything. She threw a bomb at me.
“I’m going to break up with Vanessa.” I didn’t say a word. “Things just haven’t been good. I haven’t been good to her. I don’t want keep being selfish. And there’s you. I never gave myself a chance to get over you. I think part of me never wanted to.” …
“I still love you.”
“Well I don’t love you.” I could barely get those words out.
“I don’t want to.” We talked a little while longer before finally going to sleep. Tomorrow would be interesting.
My phone buzzed as I was attempting to unpack.
The message read: I’m on my way
There was a smiley face. My face lit up. It would be another 15 or 20 minutes before she would get here. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
The next one came in 12 minutes later: I’m here with a smiley face
My heart started racing and I did all I could not to run down the stairs. I took the elevator instead. It was slow as usual. I opened the camera on my phone and made sure my hair wasn’t out of place. I looked fine. I was tripping for no reason. The door to the elevator finally opened.
I saw her and her whole face lit up. I tried to keep it cool, but my face showed how happy I was to see her. I knew I shouldn’t have been, but I was. We got back on the elevator to make it to my room. She was in her work uniform. Standard blue best buy shirt, black slacks with a belt, and black loafers. They were new I could tell. I hadn’t seen her wear them before. But then again I hadn’t seen her in a long time. We tried our hardest to ignore each other when we weren’t talking. Obviously it didn’t work, because here she was. In my room. About to sit on my bed.
She sat on my side. When she saw my face she was about to get up. I raised my hand to tell her no. “I’ll just sit on this side it’s okay.” I give her a half smile. I felt so nervous. I mean I didn’t think anything was about to happen I just felt nervous. She makes me nervous.
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